In all honesty, that doesn't make me proud of my mom. The best I can come up with is that she REALLY wanted to see this movie and she couldn't find a sitter. Maybe she knew I was mature enough to handle a movie like that. I find that doubtful. But who am I to question what moms decide to do? I know I have made decisions that others might find questionable, but I made because I knew my kids and their temperaments. If I am 'messed up' today, I can assure you it is NOT Robert Redford's fault.
If anything, he is now my connection to a memory, a tug on my heart, that only a few can provide. At an early age, I also was witness to "The Way We Were", another Robert Redford "classic" that my mom loved. I recently made Richard sit through this movie and felt such a twinge of guilt I had to apologize and justify my reasoning. I wanted him to see a movie that truly made me think of my mom. He never had the chance to meet her or know her and any chance I can get to show him an insight into her, I jump on it. Even if it means we cry and have questions about love that is lost that we can't answer. To be fair, that is a hard movie to stomach.
Last week, she visited me. When she first passed away, I just knew I would see and feel her constantly. She was a part of my daily life forever and I refused to accept that she wouldn't be there after she was gone. But, she wasn't. I wasn't one of those who constantly talked to or saw their passed loved ones. I never felt the urge to force it. Once she was gone, I wasn't able to fake whether she was there or not.
What happened is that she began to visit me in dreams. In the first years after she was gone, they seems so incredibly poignant and vivid. She gave me messages about Ellis, about Chris (my ex husband), and about myself as a young woman vs. me as a seasoned wife and mother. Each of those dreams were moving and breathtaking. I knew exactly what she wanted me to focus on.
When life gets difficult, I am not ashamed to say that I have laid in bed at night asking for her to 'visit' me to give specific wisdom. I needed her in my life and when she wasn't a phone call away, I wanted a tangible way to connect. I have to confess that rarely do those specific wishes come true. Sadly, it just doesn't work that way.
So, back to last week. The dream started off innocuous enough. I was in a shopping center parking lot and I encountered a woman. In the dream she was African American, but I ended up in her car, driving to an undisclosed location. As we were driving along, the sun was setting outside my passenger window and as the magnificent golds, ambers, pinks, and purples blazed across the sky and into the vehicle, I looked her way and in that instant, I saw my mom driving.
My breath stopped and the tears began to fall. I couldn't breathe, so I inhaled and let the tears stream down my face. My left hand moved over to find her right hand that was outstretched to mine. Our fingers clasped and she squeezed me tight. I exhaled and sobbed. I was riding with my mom. In those brief moments, all was right with my world.
When I awoke, I was short for breath. It took a minute to gather my thoughts, my emotions, my reality. Sadly, it was the reality that includes the fact that she is no longer with me in person.
I searched for her message. What was she trying to tell me? My kids weren't in the dream. Richard was no where. Neither was Chris. The people who make up the tapestry of my life were absent.
Then, it dawned on me.
All she did was reach over to me in a moment of beauty. Her hand grasped mine and squeezed.
I think what she was telling me was "I love you" and "I am here for you". It was as simple and straightforward as a message could be. In that moment, that was it. She was telling me she is still here.
Thank you mom. I needed that. I always need that.
And thank you Robert Redford for making me bring her to the forefront of my overloaded, stressed, ADHD, tired mind tonight. It's a happy birthday for us all.
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